Present

Her (wo)

I look at the photo for the millionth time. I have forgotten the count in 20 years. She's sitting beside him so shy yet with a smile. I try to copy her smile. He looks so happy beside her. He has never been like that with me.

"Bahuuu kaha maar gayi" my mother in law shouts. I stop staring at the photo and run outside.

"Ji" I ask adjusting my pallu otherwise she will again give me a lecture. I go outside to ask what she needs.

She's sitting with him. I look at him but he doesn't look at me as always. Why can't he look at me like he looks at the photo?

"Tera Pati kaam se aaya hai aur tune paani tak nahi poocha. Kaisi kaamchor bahu hai. Hey bhagwaan" she says.

"Abhi layi Ma ji"

I go to the kitchen and bring water for him. My mother in law goes to her room to sleep as it is quite late. I serve him dinner while looking at him.

"Ghoorna bandh kar" he says and I look away. He starts eating his food and I just stand there to see if he needs anything more.

"Kitni baar bola hai mere saar par khadi mat hoya kar"

"Wo agar apko kuch chahiye hua toh.."

"Toh mein bolduga. Ab ja yaha se. Chain se khane bhi nahi deti yeh aurat"

I go to the kitchen. I have gotten used to his cold behavior. Tears no longer make their way to my eyes. I quietly serve myself food and eat it. There's no use of getting upset and not eating food. Nobody cares if I eat or not. If I fall ill, I will have to hear more taunts so I am not taking any chances. I serve the two remaining chapatis and Dal. I eat it in my solitude, on the kitchen floor.

While eating I think about my 3 children. 2 daughters and the youngest son. They all are asleep right now. They are the reason I am living. My only reason. I love my children. My husband? I Don’t know. Or maybe by not accepting I am protecting myself. His behavior hurts me but I am used to it. I want him to love me but I know he doesn't. He still loves her. Her.

Once I am done eating, I go outside to see if he is done. I look at the empty plate on the table and him nowhere to be seen. He must be out again. He never tells me where he goes. I used to ask him in the starting and he used to remind me that I should remember my place. Now I do.

I pick up the utensils and wash all of them. The water is cold, it's winter. But who cares? If I warm the water now. It will take so much time. I dip my hands in the cold water basket. I am numb to it. No, maybe I like it.

I think a lot. It happens when no one talks to you. You start having conversations with yourself in your head. I remember the conversation I had with my mother the day of my wedding. She told me that now my husband's home is my own, not the one I grew up in. I have to do everything he says and he will accept me. I don't think he has still accepted me. He just tolerates me. I am some kind of weight that is tied to him.

I am finally done with the dishes. Keeping them in the kitchen, I go to check on my children. All of them are sleeping peacefully. I adjust their blanket. They kick it in their sleep.

I finally go to the room I share with my husband. Again her photo. It's the first thing I saw and till now it's the first thing I see as I enter this room. I change my clothes and lay down on the bed staring at the ceiling. How hard is it to forget a person? 20 years aren't enough? Why can't he forget her and love me? She is married to someone else, never came to see him again, why can't he just love me instead of that girl. Again the same questions, same loop.

I close my eyes. I do this everyday. I just want to sleep without any thoughts. My eyes immediately open as the door of the room opens with force. I look at my husband who is very drunk.